I believe my husband may be experiencing dementia, although his doctors have not found anything wrong with him yet. I understand that early stages of the disease may not show up on cognitive tests, and the subtle changes I have noticed could become more apparent as time goes on. As a result, our long-standing relationship has suffered. My attempts to maintain a quality relationship have only led to arguments and thoughts of divorce.
Now that I suspect dementia is the cause of our problems, I have stopped trying to fix our relationship. While the fighting has ceased, I feel lonely. The idea of spending my retirement years as a caregiver is daunting, as it would greatly limit my own life. Should we both endure this hardship? Can I leave now and leave his family to deal with it? Or am I morally obligated to stay and take care of him?
The traditional marriage vow includes staying together in sickness and in health. The possibility of divorce changes the nature of this promise, making it more of a moral commitment rather than a contractual duty. In a loving relationship, supporting your partner through tough times, including illness and decline, is natural because the bond you share helps you find comfort during difficult times. Although each situation is unique, age-related dementia may diminish a person’s capabilities without erasing their essence and character.
It seems like both you and your husband have changed over time. If medical professionals have not diagnosed dementia, it is worth considering that your assessment may be incorrect. It appears that your concern is not just about becoming a caregiver, but also about losing the loving relationship you once had. Before making any decisions, I suggest exploring couples counseling specifically tailored to the challenges of dementia. Try to focus on activities that highlight your husband’s strengths while taking care of your own well-being. It is important to acknowledge any feelings of grief and resentment without feeling ashamed.
You are not obligated to sacrifice your well-being for his sake. Our obligations to our loved ones stem from the value we place on our relationships with them, which can be both resilient and fragile. It is crucial to find a balance between your needs and your husband’s. This does not mean sinking with the ship, but rather finding a way to keep it afloat.
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